Strange how coffee and a chocolate brownie can have such a drastic effect on a moment, the mind raced for half the night, and decisions were made, but the fear of the consequences still makes the heart race. It's so hard to concentrate, and my soul is agitated. My life must change, I have to rearrange the future. But I am doing this with no idea how each day will pan out, not even had time to think the plan out...
(The plan is buy smaller house, do up old house, sell it - hopefully, do up new house, quit job, move house, get new job, live a life that will finally be mine...). Just wish I had a best buddie to help with all this, just have to hug the dog instead.
I must choose to live for the me that was lost. What I would give for that choice to be easy, for my voice to be strong, for them know that where I belong is elsewhere now. Somehow I must push courage into reality, but keep my personality intact. My reaction to interaction of life and strife of the world, tears my inner self in two. I am no longer who I am meant to be, now that I am free to choose what I can do! But to take that choice of a new life, is to lose this life I have, what I have been used to. The bindings of the past hold tightly, knowing the way to cut the knots is easy, but when the cuts are made life tightens and chokes. It frightens me. I see the way; but I cannot break free, I scream in my soul, and plead for the freedom to be me…
Hating the job but Iv'e been there since 94, so why do I still do it, guess I am too much of a coward to change things, too much afraid of consequences and of course I need the wage. But the stress is unbelievable! I am surprised I haven't ended up curled up in a little ball whimpering like a trapped dog. No wait, in my mind thats what I do!!!!
I cannot see that this will end anytime soon...
...I was at a place I plan to visit tomorrow, and as the day was done I went through a door to what I thought was a bathroom, it turned into a women's changing room at a gym, which in turn changed into a shopping mall. I had to get out, it was too crowded. Next thing I find myself in my car driving through this town, awake but as if asleep in the dream, so I was terribly afraid I would cause an accident, next I found myself driving up a single track tramway up to the top of a very, very high mountain, I could see the sea below, so I managed to turn to the right towards it onto a steep single track downward road, down, down, down, nearly there but...
Me in the car went over the cliff I was still on, I was then outside of me looking at my car falling, knocking people off the cliff as it fell, knowing that those falling would have terrible injuries, even be killed.
Then in the dream I woke up. I was in a small sun dappled glade, the sea below to my left, the cliff up to my right, no one could see me, I seemed to be okay. My dog came from the seaward side, limping a little on her back right foot but okay otherwise. No sign of the car, no sign of the chaos. It was a peaceful place. The dream changed then to those who were looking for me, those who had not heard from me in a while, knew I wasn't where I was supposed to be, as if they actually cared that I was missing. I changed back to the me in the dream. I realised I did not want to be found, the dream grove was peace, freedom, just me and the dog. I wanted to stay...
Then I really woke up...I so much wanted to stay in that dream grove.
I need Christmas cards so travel to my local town at the halfway point of the afternoon, while it is still light but the chill of a frosty night to come is just beginning to creep in. Shoppers are wrapped up warmly and hurrying from shop to shop hoping to find inspiration for a present for a dad, or maybe a stocking filler for a nephew. As I walk past some half empty shops I hear a conversation in an eastern European tongue, two young women college age pass me, on the same walkway there's an African man on his own, a swaying saunter to his movements as if he was sure the girls would notice as he passes them. A passing flirtation. Another African man a little further along seems withdrawn in his movements almost as if he feels he does not belong in this part of the world, where the cold seeps through warm clothing like a snake with hissing icy breath. He hurries along, I have a feeling he has no one here to be close to. More words are overheard from a mother with two young children one in a buggy, once again eastern European It does sound out of place but it is now usual, once the babble would have been Welsh. The dusk is creeping in, the chill begins to nibble at glove-less fingertips that grip tightly the plastic bag with the purchased cards. White stars, strung in a line from shop to shop, twinkle and dance in a light breeze that has sprung up, dusk really is falling now, time to go home but it is always worth seeing and feeling this once a year occurrence of town Christmas lights, just to make sure the spirit of the season is still alive...
...each physical step towards his goal, pulled on muscles that had seen little use. Another step and another deep breath, the pain made his heart race, his chest felt constricted as if his heart and lungs had decided enough was enough, but he had to go on, he couldn't live this way. Two years had gone by, the inactivity was killing his soul. No hope they said, you'll never walk again, and at first he'd trusted their judgement, believed in the doctors that had done routine examinations, and he could tell by the look on their faces that the diagnoses were the same as when he'd arrived. No hope. But they never said those exact words.
Another step and another pain hit his chest, he reminded himself on rote, that staying here would have shrivelled him up into a ball of despair. Another step. He stopped, resting on the fr
The strange thing about the sudden determination to get up and go, was that the day before was just the same as the day before that, a nothing day, TV, bedpan, bed bath, TV. Conversation was limited, the nurses were from an agency and he never seemed to see the same one more than two or three times, then they were gone, no time to build up a relationship. Yes, the strange thing, was the nurse that had come that night. A woman, a little old fashioned in her uniform but she had a kindly face. He'd been restless, in his mind he'd been contemplating how many sleeping tablets it would take to finish him off completely. But then she'd appeared. He'd bl
She took his hand and looked him in the eye and smiled. A smile that penetrated his soul. A deep hot pain then shot up his whole body, starting from his toes and ending right at the top of his head with a mild tingling sensation. He'd gipped her hand tightly as this was happening, and felt the secure hold and comfort permeating and warming. Then he fell asleep.
It was in the morning he realised sensation and movement had been restored, because he'd turned over in bed! He was on his side. Not possible the day before. For some reason he didn't want anyone to know until he'd got used to the idea himself. He'd turned back over and laughed out loud as he'd achieved it with ease. He'd let the regular nurse do their thing, not letting on he could feel every touch. When she'd gone he'd found that dressing was harder than he thought it would be. His muscles were still weak even though feeling had been restored. Clothes that had fitted two years ago now hung like drapes, luckily he didn't need to leave the bed as they'd been stored in the small cupboard next to him.
Swinging his legs over the side of the bed was easy peasy, but the trepidation of pulling himself upright having lain flat for so long almost made him give-up at the first hurdle. No, time to go, he'd reminded his inner self again. The fr
Resolving a dilemma (or not resolving more like) that will result in a worker losing a week's work is not what I want to do tomorrow, and yet I must, no one else will! Damn I hate life sometimes...
My mood: a bit Not happy at all!
It's time for the decision, to take a dog to the vet, and this will be her final walk, and tears are starting as I write this. Fifteen years she has been with me. A small dog but a defender of the knee from all comers. Summers and winters rain and sun. We had fun. But now she is frail, blind, and sad, she may be glad to go on her long sleep, I have to let her go, be brave, not weep, but I will, still perhaps not just yet, perhaps another week...
My mood: very indecisive
Orange skies are burning bright,
I look to see the starry night,
I find a glow I cannot bear,
I cry for stars no longer there.
A Holiday with rain, no less!
But why am I surprised?
Our weather likes to tease us,
With warm and sunny, deep blue skies.
Nice frocks and sandals see the light,
The minute we have 'our summer',
And so the rain says 'HA', to spite.
But so much rain? Oh what a bummer!
My mood: somewhat pensive
A life alone is what I have, not moaning here, in some ways I am glad for freedom, but reading on it can be quiet. No riot and laughter, no crafter of tales sits in the other chair, there's no one there. And days pass by without a word from a human voice, and the dogs don't answer back. My choice? Do I need another? Others would say yes, but maybe a guest on occasion would do? Could do to fill the quiet. Perhaps I'll try it...
Old dog you defeat me in your need for comfort, old dog you beat me to the warmest chair, old dog you dribble and drool and never care, old dog you wait until it starts raining then dash indoors as fast as you dare. Old dog you are getting older and blind and deaf as well, old dog you're like an old person, and looking after you is sometimes quite... But old dog I have known you for all of your life thirteen years and a bit, yes I do care, old dog when you're gone I will miss you, but tonight, tonight I am having that warmest chair!
My mood: somewhat conflicted
So, I have beyond shoulder length chocolate brown curly hair, thinking of having it all chopped to chin length...keeps getting caught in my fleece zip!
Moanie me, having a whinge, self pity that always makes me cringe, a whine and a frown at life in my job, but work must be done to earn more than a bob, my boss is not mean, she's really all right, but seems to forget my days off, I'm polite! Tomorrow I'm off one day all alone, she'd forgotten then said 't' was a joke', but I'm sure she's being rotten!
As I stare at words I find my eyes try to make sense of the way to go, I say to myself, I am sure to anticipate the event and try hard to say what is meant, words slip away, do not stay put, will not be input onto the page, and that enrages me, I wish to see the tale flow, go where it must, but the rust grips the words, they will not be heard, they will not stay still, and it is an uphill struggle to complete. Perhaps each word is a part of me, my soul, and maybe as I grow older, there will be less and less of them, or me, to put onto the page, or maybe with time there will be more? Sleep, maybe sleep is the cure...
I doubt; that I am adequate for the task,
I doubt; that I can do all that is asked of me,
I doubt; that my chosen paths are right,
I doubt; that in the face of trouble I will not take flight,
I doubt; that even those who praise me are true,
I guess I am certain doubt is what I do...
Each of those moments have lead to me being alone, to me being done with the world out there. Sometimes, as I stare out of my head, I close my eyes to hide from them all. Maybe I am hoping I will fall, then it will all be gone.
What is it though that holds me together? A need to move forwards, to not let it win? I fight to get up, to at least begin to have that reason to go onwards, towards the future that is open to possibility. If, I would let me see into those dark places ahead, places filled with uncertainty, I would not be so filled with dread.
I say to me, take a deep breath, take in air that is fresh, refresh the inner cobwebs, blow them away, throw them away. Be renewed, be who you are meant to be. Yes - finally you are now free to just be...
What? and there look a bird - that bird is not me, what do I see? A bird. The bird is higher than me now - I float by, sky high watching the bird fall upwards. Floating now as the earth falls towards me. I am still and I see...below the hard grey surface, it will soon caress my features, I will decorate it with crimson, painted with the softness of my skin. Sighing does bring to me a final breath, and it is cool, foolish ending and what life, a flash, skimps no details, avail ye not of the tears, no fears now, what's done is done. Relax soon done, soon upon the earth. A Dirge to me, weep now...
How can one be so tired that one can't wait to get to bed, but be so tired that one cannot get to sleep. How long can this go on for?
The Ice man cometh.
See, he brings his icy blades and shards of cold up from Hades. With icy breath he steals away, the warmth of light, the warmth of day. His smile is cold and in his eyes are crystal fires and blades of ice. None can dance and hold his hand, none dwelleth in his naked land. He pierces deeply into hearts. Dance with him, and life departs.
Epiphany..., posted June 6th, 2013, 4 comments
Choosing to live..., posted May 27th, 2013
Hating the job..., posted May 1st, 2013
The weirdest dream..., posted March 29th, 2013
A Moment in a December Day, posted December 12th, 2012
The Goal., posted October 13th, 2012
UGH!!, posted September 5th, 2012
It's time..., posted July 11th, 2012, 1 comment
Tiger Night, posted June 15th, 2012
Ah yes, the UK summer!, posted June 3rd, 2012
To Be Alone or Not To Be., posted May 9th, 2012
Old Dog, posted April 18th, 2012
Hair Cut, posted March 26th, 2012, 1 comment
Whinge Blog, posted March 22nd, 2012
Writers be locked, posted March 17th, 2012
Doubt., posted March 7th, 2012
To just be..., posted June 2nd, 2011
We do not float in air, flap your arms., posted January 28th, 2011
So tired, posted December 13th, 2010
The Ice Man, posted December 8th, 2010, 4 comments
What can I say?, posted September 30th, 2010, 1 comment
Not There..., posted July 3rd, 2010
My heart races..., posted March 23rd, 2010
Winters Turn..., posted January 7th, 2010
Emptiness, posted January 2nd, 2010
It helps if you don't forget to breathe..., posted November 17th, 2009
Adverts on this site...mmm, posted November 17th, 2009
The Knife in the Hand, posted October 18th, 2009
Looking at the stars wishing for light., posted September 28th, 2009, 2 comments
Why do neighbours have to be so..., posted July 7th, 2009, 1 comment
And she looked back at me..., posted May 27th, 2009
Grieving for a pet that will die tomorrow., posted May 4th, 2009, 1 comment
On making freinds..., posted March 18th, 2009
A day is what you make it, posted March 13th, 2009, 2 comments
Positive thoughts?, posted March 4th, 2009
I'm getting good at lies!, posted February 20th, 2009
No choice..., posted January 31st, 2009
Merry Christmas everyone, posted December 25th, 2008
I'd give up...but I cannot!, posted December 21st, 2008, 2 comments
Unravelling, posted November 30th, 2008
Privalege, posted November 27th, 2008
Can't help everyone, posted November 25th, 2008, 1 comment
Sunrise after the darkest of nights, posted November 22nd, 2008
Hope - A Supernatural tale..., posted November 19th, 2008
gave a loan today..., posted November 18th, 2008, 2 comments
Ground hog day again, posted November 17th, 2008
The darkness beckons, posted November 16th, 2008
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